Inside of Me
by BalthierFlare
Summary: FF7. AerisxCloud. Cloud tells of every moment with her, explaining how much he cared about her. He lets all of his feelings lose. R&R! :D


_Inside of Me_

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My mother always told me I should marry someone older. I always thought, 'But Tifa is a year younger:' certainly a one-track mind at that point in time. And then just as fast as the words spoken from her mouth reached my ears, I met her. The story, it's a bit ironic, well, at least the beginning. The girl I ended up falling for, I actually fell through the ceiling of the church she frequented. She wasn't there for any seminars; it was for her flower patch. Coincidentally, I just happened to land on it. I tend not to make good first impressions, anyway.

She was the flower girl of Midgar slums, and I was an ex-SOLDIER gone Avalanche mercenary. Tables turn, right? Well, people change, I guess. And I think I did when I met her. Her brown curls and braided hair with the sweet pink ribbon tied to the top appealed to me, she seemed ethereal. Her voice was majestic. Every time she spoke I thought I was hearing an angel. She was simple yet complex, kind and generous. Sadly when I thought of her sometimes I could hear my mother tell me, 'You should marry someone older.' And I could hear my squeaky little voice say, 'But Tifa is a year younger!' then I would see the dark brunette's face pop up and give me a disappointed glare.

Then I would see her. In her long button up, rosy pink dress. The crisp black ribbon tied to her neck. A short crimson jacket with shining silver cuffs, and her plain boots with a small zipper. She distracted me with her beauty and nature.

She helped me up, asking if I was alright. My immediate reaction was a quick, darted, "YES!" She seemed startled by my response. I couldn't really help it; I had just fallen from the plate above, after all. Her comfort helped me forget all that had happened before. I grew close to her over time. I couldn't help not wanting to find Avalanche again, but I had to. Although part of me told me to stay put, the majority declared that I must search; knowing they had to be looking for me.

The slums playground, that conversation made me realize some things. I told her what my mother had said. Turns out she is a year older; I guess that would mesh my mother's declaration. It made me smile inside; though I'm sure it was outside as well. But that playground triggered a conversation that'll stay with me forever. I didn't quite get it then. But, I do now.

She told me of him, a SOLDIER by the name of Zack. She asked me if I had known him, I stumbled over my words to respond, "No." It was a lie, but I couldn't link myself to him.

There were too many regrets, too much grief. I didn't know the full story then, and I think it was beneficial to not tell her I knew him. She had known him. He was the first boy she had ever liked. They had talked for a long time but he had left to return to fighting. He had promised she would see him again. The truth is, I knew of this. Zack, I owe him so much. He helped me countless times, if he hadn't existed, I wouldn't either. I knew I should tell her, but I could see she still was shaky over it. He never came back to her. I knew. It took a lot to hold back the tears, or conceal the pain.

He laid on the grassy cliff so close to Midgar. His chest bloody, so many bullet holes through his chest. I struggled to reach him, my best friend. He took my head and held me close, then let me loose. I could feel the blood that drenched my bangs. He came there, knowing he would die. But he had to. He had to. He had to die trying to reach her. To reach her, the flower girl, whom I sat next to lying about never knowing Zack Fair. Zack Fair, the best SOLDIER, the best friend anyone could ever have, the man I owe my life to. He told me to tell you he tried to come to you. I will. I promised him so, it'll just take time.

I didn't realize then, that as she reminisced about him, that she still loved him. That the reason she liked me is because I was like him. I was. I had elicited her memories the moment I arrived. He had told me every detail of every moment with her over ten times. He had fallen through the ceiling, landing on her patch of flowers. It's odd how I happened to do the same later. He had offered her a date, but was never able to fulfill it.

In my case, I was her bodyguard and my payment was a date. She offered it just because I reminded her of him, I know. She wanted to go on a date with him and saw this as the opportunity because in her mind, I was him. Even though she didn't realize at first, she knew later. I was him in her mind. My hair was like his, except it was a light blonde. I had been in SOLDIER just as he did. Not to mention, I had fallen through the ceiling, landed in the exact spot he had been in and mimicked his words, although unconscious.

Perhaps, it was him. Maybe he caused it. Yes, he probably did. It was the way to make her know he loved her...loved. No, he still loves her. Even though he's gone and a part of the lifestream. He still loves her. And she, not knowing what she was doing, she fell in love with Zack again, not me, Zack. Because in her mind, I was not myself, I was Zack.

Even though she didn't know.

...She didn't know...

And then it came together later. She realized it on our date. It was a night of fun at the Gold Saucer, but as it waned, she knew. She confessed and so I...I told her I knew him. She gasped with excitement, but I, wallowed in my despair inside. I had been broken. I wanted to cry. She had torn me apart; I thought she cared for me. But she had really only cared for my best friend, the one whom I had to tell her of. I needed to tell her the truth. I needed to.

I told her I knew him, but I couldn't tell her all. She couldn't hide her enthusiasm, who can when you hear about someone you love? He had been missing for seven years. Seven long years she waited. And then she met me, thinking I was him unconsciously. I didn't admit fully. I stated that I had known him, but I had only done one mission with him, nothing else. Lie. Why must I lie? I can never tell the truth about him to her.

She cared too much.

I cared too much.

I didn't want to see her cry.

'Oh,' she was dejected. I hadn't satisfied her want of him. She wanted to know the entire story. Why hadn't he come back to her? She hungered to know. And I sat. Knowing. I knew all along, but I could not tell her. My entire body stopped me from doing so. It wouldn't allow me. I couldn't tell her his noble demise, how he died trying to see her.

I didn't want to see her cry.

I couldn't bear it.

I knew I needed to tell her.

And then we were in the Temple of the Ancients. And there he was, Sephiroth. And he found Meteor, the ultimate destructive black magic. Before I knew it we were at the Northern continent. She admitted she was an Ancient, a Cetra, and she left in the night, calling me in my dreams. She led me through the entrancing forest. Saying she had Holy and it was the only way to stop Meteor. I remember it so clearly, the light in the background flashing and then fading. I picture her. She wore her plain brown boots; I can see her curls and her pink ribbon tying her braid. I see her pink buttoned dress, the black bow tied around her neck, the golden bracelets hugging her wrists and the short red jacket she always wore.

And I knew. As she showed me the way through, I knew. The City of the Ancients was the last time I would see her. But I didn't tell her in my dream, I couldn't speak. I was entranced be her god-like appearance, for I knew I would never see her after this. So I awoke everyone and we stormed into the city. Finding the shrine where the flower girl kneeled, praying that Holy would save Gaia. I didn't have enough time to tell her. He controlled me, trying to make me be her murderer. But I could not. I felt too many powerful feelings about her.

Joy, glee, comfort, content, delight… and…love.

Then He came crashing down, slicing right through her. She was still smiling. The holy held in her ribbon fell into the pool of water as she collapsed.

I still feel it. I still feel the anger coursing through my veins. I was petrified, she couldn't have just died. I never told her.

Sephiroth.

I looked up to him when I was younger but now all he caused was pain and suffering. I hated him. Hate. I felt anger and hate and pure abhorrence and disgust. I loathed him. I was broken. More than before. I was fine that she was still around me, but now she was not. The revulsion would not cease and I lunged at Sephiroth. I wanted him to die. I wanted his existence to be wiped clean for ever. I wanted him dead, I wanted him beyond dead. I wanted him gone from my memories, I wanted everything redone.

And her body: bloody and stiff against the floor. I waved my hand over her dead pan eyes, shutting them to the dark light around us. I didn't want her to see my tears. I didn't want anyone to see them. I took her to the river. I set her in the clearest of waters, holding her for moments.

I cried inside, I couldn't outside. I never told her. I never did. I was angry at myself. I promised him I would tell her and I promised her I would protect her.

The regrets I have are unbearable. I couldn't save her. I couldn't.

Lament. And regret. And grief. And sorrow and so much more inside me. I couldn't take it. I wanted to be the one floating down the river to return to the lifestream.

Why couldn't my best friend be in my place, holding my body with her beside him?

I didn't deserve this. I shouldn't be here while the one trying to save our planet floats down a river. I shouldn't be here while my best friend lies on top of a cliff with his bleeding wounds.

I want it all to go away. I don't deserve to live. With all these emotions and feelings bundled up inside I'm going to burst. I can't hold them anymore. They're a weight on my chest and a sore in my throat and a pain that is always in my head. They're a beat more my heart has to speed up for; they're a weak step that makes it hard for me to walk. They hinder my thoughts and make me lie in bed at night, thinking of what I could've changed and what I could've done differently. Though I know there are no sands of time I can reverse and there never will be.

I'm not fit to help anyone.

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**A/N: This is full of angst. I wanted to delve deep inside Cloud's mind. It seems abrupt at times because of this. I tried to show his confusion and conflicting feelings or emotions. **

**Hope you liked it.**


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